I spoke to her slowly as if I was coming to some great insight that I had come up with on the fly but the truth was I’d struggled in similar ways.
The answer finally came to me: you are ALREADY alive.You are already alive. You do not become alive when you get into grad school or when you get married. You do not become alive when you leave your hometown for any significant amount of time or have children. You do not become alive when you hold a microphone to your lips, or when people speak well of you. You do not become alive when you fit in or when people tell you they love you without know you personally. You do not become alive at the end of your grieving or the next on your knees powerful prayer, and you do not become alive at some distant moment in the future when the dishes are washed and the kids are happy and the house shines with the light of some unattainable perfection.
You are ALREADY alive.
You are alive in the aching wondering unanswered. How gloriously alive I feel when I’m working at the coffee shop with a pair of fun earrings in, feeling beautiful and all? I was alive in the ocean at dawn just yesterday, and in the frightening stillness of that stained glass chapel where I stopped to pray.
This life. This life is already moving, already an ocean crashes, and the invitation is echoing, skin to heart gently whispering: will you be already alive? In Jesus?
The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely Your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. -Psalm 23
